“Le convenienze ed inconvenienze teatrali” – Act 1

Act I

Scene 1 Setting: a rehearsal room in a theatre. Present are Corilla, Procolo, Luigia, Dorotea, Don Prospero, Guglielmo, the Impresario, Biscroma, and various choristers, all seated around a piano, preparing to rehearse the opera. [Introduction] BISCROMA Chorus, enter on time and in tempo; be ready to bow; mind the runs with the little trills in Elafà. Now then—let’s begin! Attention! ALL What are we rehearsing? BISCROMA Ersilia’s entrance, where she, lost and bewildered, poor thing, arouses pity.

CORILLA Listen to my voice— how beautifully it will trill! PROCOLO Listen to her voice— how beautifully it will trill! DOROTEA (To make me play a mere supporting role!... this is really too much.) LUIGIA (Only a single recitative for me? What will my mother say?) BISCROMA Come, let us rehearse—silence there! Everyone mind what you are doing. ALL Come, let’s rehearse—silence! No one is to move.

CORILLA “And can you rejoice, tyrant, in a heart that suffers and laments? Tremble—for such anguish heaven will indeed bring vengeance.” GUGLIELMO “Restrain your tears and hope.” CORILLA “And my beloved?” GUGLIELMO “You shall see.” CORILLA “You will no longer be cruel?” GUGLIELMO “At last, pity has conquered me.”

CORILLA “Ah! the happy moment is near when I return to delight in him. This is the day of joy— my heart need tremble no more. Fly to me, O blessed moment, and renew within my breast that pleasure and that delight that intoxicate the soul.” PROCOLO Bravo! CORILLA “Fly to her, O blessed moment, and renew within her breast that pleasure and that delight that intoxicate the soul.”

DOROTEA Tell me, Maestro— will there be a rondò for me? GUGLIELMO And for me—an aria with trumpets? LUIGIA Is there a “romance” for me, yes or no? BISCROMA Address yourselves to the poet. GUGLIELMO, LUIGIA AND DOROTEA Is there one? PROSPERO Ask the maestro—I don’t know.

BISCROMA But the libretto?… PROSPERO And the score?… BISCROMA Now I’ll explain… PROSPERO Now I’ll tell you… GUGLIELMO, LUIGIA AND DOROTEA Enough, enough—we understand: the poet and the maestro have lost all inspiration for me, because she has already won them over. If madam intends to humiliate me like this, then soon, in spite of her, I’ll show you who I am.

IMPRESARIO The poet and the maestro know perfectly well what they must do. Fewer unnecessary questions. ALL Come, cheerfully let us prepare for the great stage rehearsal— I can already hear the resounding applause for the opera. GUGLIELMO AND DOROTEA (As soon as night falls, I won’t be anywhere to be found.) (all, very softly) Together PROSPERO (At my dear words all will be enraptured, nor will they be able to restrain themselves when they hear them spoken.) BISCROMA (At my gentle notes all will fall into ecstasy, nor will they be able to restrain themselves when they hear them struck.) GUGLIELMO, LUIGIA AND DOROTEA (Song, music, and words will be quite unbearable; such things, they will say, only cause boredom and yawning.) Together PROSPERO (Already in the theatre I seem to hear: “Bravo, long live the good poet!” Already I seem to hear the cheers resounding.) BISCROMA (Already in the orchestra I seem to hear: “Bravo! Come out, Maestro!” Already I seem to hear the cheers resounding.) CORILLA AND PROCOLO (At those trills, at those passages all will be enraptured, nor will they be able to restrain themselves in sweet vocal embellishment.) IMPRESARIO (Bravo! Yes—outstanding! Stage, music, and words now answer to the flights and the singing and will create such charm as to transport the very soul.) CHORUS (Yes, yes—already on stage I seem to hear a triumphant applause; long live, long live the Impresario who has given us such delight!) BISCROMA Bravo, bravo, my boys! Oh, I am delighted— you are a blessing, a balm, a marvel. Go now, go.

Scene 2 The chorus exits. BISCROMA (to the Impresario) Well, what do you think? IMPRESARIO The music is divine— the cavatina is magnificent!... BISCROMA (I stole it!) CORILLA But without my embellishments— the diminuendos, the crescendos, the articulated notes... PROCOLO It would sound like a little tune fit for breakfast! BISCROMA If the great Procolo Cornacchia says so, then it must be true—I shall not argue. CORILLA And rightly so, for I am accustomed to the style of composers from beyond the Alps, who, never satisfied with effect and novelty, would write for me in keys with twenty flats... PROCOLO With thirty-seven sharps and naturals and an infinite swarm of accidentals. BISCROMA (May all misfortune strike you at once.) PROSPERO And yet my verses— do they win no applause? People blind to reason! BISCROMA And you are right, for if you go on at this rate, you will end as Tasso did. PROSPERO That is the glory to which I aspire. GUGLIELMO (to Biscroma) If you want sound for my cavatina, I sing. BISCROMA Would you like to try it? GUGLIELMO To... to... try. BISCROMA Come then—let us begin. [Aria]

GUGLIELMO “Ah! you want mehi? what you desihre? what hope still remains for you? Ertzilia! my Ertzilia, my constancy ever grows stronger in my heart, yes! I am no vile man! Do you think I would abandon you? I love you, yes, I love you, my dear, and never shall I be far from you.” BISCROMA Excellent! IMPRESARIO Bravo! PROCOLO Not bad. CORILLA (to Prospero) Tell me, sir, have you thought about the rondò? Will it be well placed? PROSPERO Perfectly!

CORILLA Take care, poet— if the rondò has no chains, it is useless: I will not sing it. PROSPERO You are most particular! If Romulus is a conqueror and comes to the Forum amid a gathering of rushing, rejoicing people, chains would seem quite out of place. Let us do this: I shall place you on horseback, and instead of a rondò with chains, you shall have one with stirrups... eh?

CORILLA That will not do. Have Signor Romulus enter triumphantly in chains, and they will suit perfectly. PROSPERO And what do you take me for? CORILLA For what you are... PROSPERO Which is?... CORILLA A cobbler pretending to be a man of letters— in truth, a brute, a wretch.

PROSPERO He who mends shoes can mend Metastasio as well: here is the clear and open proof— (heroically) read my verses and learn to respect me. IMPRESARIO Come, come, we shall arrange it. Our poet will see about pleasing you, he will serve you. Meanwhile, let us read the playbill. PROSPERO And quickly, please.

GUGLIELMO What you do now? LUIGIA They’re reading the playbill. GUGLIELMO Ah! playbillonie? Vat is zis! AGATA (offstage, in Neapolitan accent) Such an insult—to me, in my presence! Mamma Agata, you rogue, will make you pay for this. LUIGIA My mother is here! IMPRESARIO Agata is coming? Farewell, playbill!

Scene 3 Agata, with all the previous performers. AGATA For this outrage you shall pay dearly. [Agata’s Cavatina] (entering) Scoundrels! idlers! show some manners, some respect, my good sirs! where has it ever been seen that a mother cannot come to visit her daughter, the very essence of goodness? BISCROMA Agatina, calm yourself... AGATA It’s you I want to speak to! Have you thought about Luigia? Have you written her rondò yet? Take care—if you fail, I’ll turn the whole city upside down. Have you thought of it?... I’m speaking to you.

BISCROMA We shall see... I’ll think about it... AGATA “We shall see”? “I’ll think about it”? No—listen: in abrégé, to create a sensation—what a splendid invention my mind has devised: make a cantabile with trilling notes, then an allegro with grand syncopations—and my daughter, I’d stake my head, will cause a sensation, Maestro! Let the violin go zicchete, zicchete, with the clarinet and oboe piripi, piripi, the bass with frunchete, frunchete; then bring in the horn with tutu, and you will see that in all the world there is no piece to equal it.

AGATA What a sublime invention!... Well? What do you say? Even the famous Maestro Paesanello could not have conceived such an idea. It will have a most astonishing effect— that zicchete, frunchete, tutu... BISCROMA (interrupting) Yes, yes, we’ll speak of that later. Sit here between me and the tenor. AGATA What’s going on? BISCROMA They are reading the playbill. AGATA Wonderful!...

(to Guglielmo) Monsieur Stolonoff, at your service. GUGLIELMO Oh!... (bowing) At your service, madam! LUIGIA (to her mother) ...So late? AGATA I’ve been with that one... you understand?... that “friend of the shawl,” and he absolutely insisted on having me dine with him... BISCROMA (to Corilla, aside) ...and she’s drunk. Oh, poor me! CORILLA (replying) ...Yes, she’s drunk!...

IMPRESARIO (reading the playbill) “At Campi, for the customary fair, the season will open with the first and most celebrated performance entitled: Romulus and Ersilia”... PROCOLO Stop! The prima donna always has precedence on the bill: therefore the drama must be titled— and I insist—Ersilia and Mommolo; otherwise we do not sing. DOROTEA (angrily) The title is printed and cannot be changed.

PROCOLO (replying) If Metastasio made a mistake... BISCROMA He will answer for everything. DOROTEA I protest. BISCROMA And you, Signor Poet, what do you say? PROSPERO I say this: the ancient law of nature demands that the woman come before the man, and here Metastasio is wrong—he has erred.

DOROTEA Even so—if it is printed thus, it must be said so. PROCOLO (angrily) And you would silence the very flower of all singers? DOROTEA Me? BISCROMA (holding Procolo back) Careful! PROCOLO (to the Impresario) Continue. BISCROMA Go on.

IMPRESARIO (resuming the reading) “…entitled Romulus and Ersilia by the imperial poet Metastasio, adapted for this occasion by Prospero Zampogna among the Arcadians Melampo Stivalonico, with music by the renowned Biscroma Strappaviscere. Prima donna assoluta…” PROCOLO (interrupting) Silence!... everyone rise. DOROTEA (jealous) For what reason?... PROCOLO Madam, my wife has been named!... AGATA May you die of a stabbing wound!

IMPRESARIO …the Signora Corilla Fiorilla Petronilla Scortichini… AGATA And with all those -illa’s, a bit of eel would fit nicely!... DOROTEA (ironically) Charming!... IMPRESARIO …Principal musico Dorotea Frescopane. DOROTEA At your service. (bows) IMPRESARIO At whose service? DOROTEA Of the “Academy of Missipipì.”

IMPRESARIO Now then. (reading) “Principal tenor Guglielmo Antolonoff.” GUGLIELMO Nix cavasciò!... my name Antolstoinoloff. (takes out his snuffbox) AGATA What a name!... IMPRESARIO (to Prospero) You write it down. AGATA (snatching the snuffbox from Guglielmo) My dear Stoltoinoff, have you got some snuff?

GUGLIELMO (trying to take back the snuffbox) Gi… gi… AGATA Let me take a pinch. Oh, lovely! lovely! (to Luigia) It looks like the snuffbox I lost at the Teatro del Gambero, don’t you think? LUIGIA Yes, it does resemble it. GUGLIELMO You vant some? LUIGIA Many thanks!... AGATA What “thanks,” you little fool! When someone politely offers a trifle, it is bad manners to refuse!

(to Guglielmo) Donnez-moi… (takes back the snuffbox and says) grâce, grâce. GUGLIELMO (commenting) Mama is griped. DOROTEA (to the Impresario) Tell me, sir, who sings first? IMPRESARIO After the secondary roles (pointing to the tenor) it is he.

GUGLIELMO Blagaderò, blagaderò. AGATA (Who understands him?) (aloud) Hey, Signor Stinoloff, what time is it? Let me see, please! (trying to take his watch) Oh! my dear!... what a beautiful watch! GUGLIELMO (resisting) See nice... stay ugly. AGATA (How rude!)

CORILLA (to Prospero) Who is last? PROSPERO The leading man. PROCOLO No—my wife must be, or we do not sing. DOROTEA (protesting) So this is how you treat me? I demand all my privileges. GUGLIELMO I also my privileges!... IMPRESARIO Oh yes—you shall have them!

CORILLA After mine, however. DOROTEA (irritated) After yours? I shall settle this matter myself. (exits) GUGLIELMO For me also—it is finished. (exits) AGATA Good heavens! I’ve never found myself in such a mess. (turning to Corilla) Do you not remember when, four years ago, you were selling pastries in the square that your Procolo made so perfectly? BISCROMA Well said, mamma, well said!

Scene 4 The remaining performers. [Procolo’s Aria] PROCOLO We pastry cooks—what, us?... Poor folk indeed! It’s clear you know nothing at all. Do you think my wife is one of those singers— mediocre, by the dozen? Who, to secure an engagement, must give the agents half their pay? No, gentlemen—she is a star of the musical firmament, as virtuous as she is beautiful, a veritable potpourri of rarities.

Even in her mother’s womb she was already dealing in vocal runs; scales, even semitonal ones, were heard in her cries at birth, and astonished, amazed, all the masters would say: if she is thus in her earliest dawn, what will she be in her prime? The newspapers proclaimed her prodigious gifts; by post and courier every impresario sent brilliant offers to secure her engagement.

No trifling coins or petty sums were spoken of in contracts— but doubloons, louis, and sequins; travel, lodging, meals, and carriage were promised without limit, and for her sake the whole sublunary world was set in motion. Thousands upon thousands—ladies, nobles, millionaires, soldiers, merchants, financiers, and half the populace— all competed to win her favor.

And you dare, vile insects, to despise my wife? To avenge the insults you heap upon such a jewel, Jove lends me his thunderbolts, Vulcan his hammer. You do not yet know who the great Procolo is. Tremble, most wretched beings! You have no defense! If my honor lies in my offended wife! In Paris, in Catalonia, in Scotland and in Gascony, her banner—nay, her mast— has been planted above all others!

Tremble, most wretched beings! You have no defense! If my honor lies in my offended wife! (exits) IMPRESARIO (greatly agitated) They mean to drive me to my death— but I will put an end to it! I shall appeal to the proper authority. (exits)

AGATA (to Biscroma) So—we’ve spoken of arias and rondòs; but the duet for Corilla and my daughter— is it ready, with chorus and appropriate dancing? LUIGIA I want it! BISCROMA (irritated) Oh, go to the devil! (exits) AGATA (handing a coin to her daughter) Here—go have it written; give him a paolo. (Luigia exits)

Scene 5 Agata and Corilla. [Duet] CORILLA Listen, you vulgar madam: I will not sing a duet with your daughter! AGATA Then I’ll grow myself a fine pair of moustaches and then... CORILLA What will you do? AGATA What will I do?... I’ll slap you! CORILLA That I should sing a duet—with whom?... with your daughter? That you should demand it is no surprise! The fool is I who still endures such insolence and such offense.

AGATA Bravo for Pasta, Storchio, Patti! She’s grown proud— but look how miserable she is! The other day in Milan she was singing in the chorus, and now she wants to play the grand lady here. CORILLA Moderate your language, you devil of a hag, or I’ll send your cap flying to pieces. AGATA Lay a finger on me and I’ll send for Procolo— he’ll see his lady wife scratched to ribbons!

CORILLA I will not sing the duet— I have decided it. AGATA Biscroma wants it. CORILLA Have you made him a suit? AGATA The poet wants it... CORILLA Have you paid him money? AGATA Madam! Madam! CORILLA Your daughter is second-rate, I am a sublime artist.

I, a celebrated artist, foremost among the foremost— to appear on stage with a little woman who sings out of tune would be disgraceful. AGATA My daughter is “second” yet outshines the “firsts”; when she was second, you were not even third. CORILLA Come, be off—stop pestering me, or I’ll have my patrons deal with you.

AGATA My daughter has thousands of such admirers: the Duke of The Hague, the Count of Athens, Don Mario Panzotta, Don Bartolo Arrischia, the Duke Pilotta, the Prince of Ischia. Students by the score, soldiers by the dozen— if she wished, upon appearing on stage she could have a whole pomegranate thrown at you.

CORILLA Ah, you old gossip!... AGATA You’re sallow, you’re ugly... CORILLA My rage is rising... AGATA ...I’m burning with fury... CORILLA ...I’ll scratch your face... AGATA ...I’ll tear you apart... CORILLA ...I’ll teach you what civility is.

AGATA Look at the magpie—see how she chatters! CORILLA Ah, rage tears me apart— I become a viper without restraint. AGATA ...burst, collapse— you’ll sing it yet! (they exit in fury)

Scene 6 The Impresario returns with Prospero and Procolo. IMPRESARIO We are threatened by grave danger: the tenor wants to flee... and then?... what shall we do? PROSPERO As the ancients did: what they lacked, they simply did without!

PROCOLO No fear! I am here! I will replace him! IMPRESARIO But the role is difficult—very demanding! PROCOLO I am a man of great genius. I have no need of a part: let the orchestra play, and the prompter give me the words— the rest is done. I compose the music myself. PROSPERO (It will be quite something, indeed!) PROCOLO Send me a piano with pedals so I may search for the high C— (pompously) if I still find it, I expect great success! (exits, very self-important) IMPRESARIO (dejected) What will happen, my poet? PROSPERO They’ll kill us with their hissing!

Scene 7 Agata enters with papers in hand. AGATA (to the Impresario) I come in haste to tell you briefly: Dorotea has fled— but little Agata will get you out of trouble. IMPRESARIO How?... AGATA A role is missing, and I’ll take it. PROSPERO Mercy!... AGATA What do you think? If I’ve substituted at La Scala, I can sing at Campi. IMPRESARIO Excellent! I’ll go and see whether these replacements will be accepted. (exits)

PROSPERO Poor us—we shall all go mad!... AGATA (offended) I will teach that arrogant lady how one sings and carries oneself grandly— and how, from a box, Mamma Agata can even cast a coquettish glance!

Scene 8 Guglielmo and Biscroma Strappaviscere enter. Agata goes to meet them. AGATA Maestro, I too am engaged! (waving the papers) I already know the duet—and I’ve run through the cabaletta. BISCROMA Good, good, my fair one! AGATA Tell me, what are these little boats? BISCROMA They are quavers and semiquavers. The duet will make one weep. GUGLIELMO Yes, all tears!

AGATA Let’s try it together. GUGLIELMO (to Biscroma, broken Italian) If this mamma does not sing well, I immediately run away and abandon impresario and company. [Trio] GUGLIELMO (sings exaggeratedly) “For me I find no calm, for you I find no peace, for her the soul finds not its happiness.”

AGATA “For me, for you, for her, for yours, for hers, for mine— oh gods, bring light...” GUGLIELMO & AGATA “...into such darkness.” GUGLIELMO “Sweet pleasure floods me.” AGATA “Ersilia shall be yours.” BISCROMA Lower it, connect, detach, miss it, carry the voice— good enough, that’s enough.

What profound music, what manly truth. GUGLIELMO Eh! Maestro, no duet— this mamma is too terrible, after voice—cursed— I do not want to sing with her. BISCROMA But listen— GUGLIELMO No listen!

BISCROMA But why?... GUGLIELMO Want to leave— like flea and dog and hare— from here, quickly escape. AGATA Hey, maestro—what nonsense is falling from his mouth? BISCROMA He told me you’re a marmot and he doesn’t want to sing with you.

AGATA Ah, shrill little trumpet! As much a beast as he is heavy— to insult me so? GUGLIELMO Stamping, stamping! BISCROMA Be quiet a moment. AGATA Turnip! BISCROMA Will you calm yourself? AGATA No... no... no... Ah... ah... ah... (she is about to faint)

Camphor... cologne... a little vinegar... Quickly, quickly... BISCROMA Stop it, Mamma Agata. AGATA My eyes are already darkening... BISCROMA You look like a girl—stop it. GUGLIELMO You do not know music, you are out of tune— I will not stay here. BISCROMA Softly! You’ll break the harpsichord! AGATA Ah, brute! AGATA (tearing the pages) Here—take them!... GUGLIELMO (tears the score) BISCROMA Do not tear my work, villain! AGATA I’ll tear that coat to pieces just like this! (she pulls his coat-tail — he runs off)

Scene 9 Biscroma Strappaviscere and Agata. Then the Impresario, Procolo, Luigia, and Prospero. BISCROMA Oh, poor me—poor my music! Even the tenor has gone—and now what shall we do? IMPRESARIO (re-entering) Maestro, what happened? Why has the tenor gone away? BISCROMA Leave me alone—I don’t even know where I am.

IMPRESARIO Good news, good news—the replacements are approved. Mamma Agata will be the musico, and Master Procolo the tenor. (Procolo enters) PROCOLO What is it? AGATA (recovering from shock) What happened? IMPRESARIO You are accepted.

AGATA Oh, excellent! PROCOLO Your fate is sealed. BISCROMA (somewhat distressed) But who will sing the falsettos?... PROCOLO Be quiet! I have a falsified octave— you’ll hear some entirely new high notes.

(Prospero and Luigia enter) PROSPERO Gentlemen, this mail is for you. The messenger gave it to me for you. LUIGIA Is there something for me? AGATA For me? PROCOLO For me? PROSPERO A newspaper for Procolo, (to Luigia) a letter for you.

(Agata sits on the right with her daughter) AGATA Let’s read together. BISCROMA (to Prospero, who hands him some pages) Have you rewritten the scene? PROSPERO See if you like it. PROCOLO (sits with his wife on the left and examines the newspaper) Now we shall see the outcome of the latest performances. IMPRESARIO Let us go and see the scene. (exits)

Scene 10 Biscroma, Agata, Procolo, Luigia, and Prospero. Then Corilla. [Finale] AGATA (snatching the letter from her daughter and reading) “Livorno, April 10. My dearest Luigia, to your kind letter the impresario replies that he accepts the engagement provided you send to the devil that horrible figure...” AGATA & LUIGIA (reading together) “...your wicked mother, Mamma Agata.”

PROSPERO (declaiming grandly) “It is true... it is true... one day I swore revenge...” AGATA (What is that poet saying?) BISCROMA Bravo, very good—excellent LUIGIA (takes the letter and reads) “...your wicked mother, Mamma Agata.” AGATA (quietly to her daughter) Read softly.

LUIGIA “...who spreads discord in every company...” AGATA & LUIGIA (reading together) “...who robs old and young alike like a thief upon the road.” PROSPERO And this is quite true— I have always remembered it.

AGATA (If he goes on, I’ll smash his shop window!...) LUIGIA “...for which there is great danger...” AGATA & LUIGIA “...that upon arriving here by fathers, mothers, and husbands she will be thoroughly stripped to the bone...” AGATA ...stripped to the bone?

PROSPERO (forgetting the verse) “It is little... it is little...” AGATA Look at that scoundrel—how he enrages me! PROSPERO “It is little to tear the traitor’s heart out.” AGATA & LUIGIA “Decide! Resolve, if it suits you; otherwise at once I shall think of another.”

PROCOLO (reading the newspaper) “A resounding flop.” BISCROMA May your throat collapse. PROCOLO “To the ground, to the ground! The opera is written like a horse.” BISCROMA The libretto and my music will have enormous success!

PROCOLO “Let the maestro and the poet hang themselves and kill each other!” BISCROMA & PROSPERO This Procolo won’t delay in feeling our hands!

CORILLA What is happening without Corilla? Is this serious or comic? BISCROMA That second quarrel is not really necessary. AGATA Write that he is a great donkey, a filthy animal. ALL If I lose my patience, this will end badly!

Scene 11 The Inspector appears at the door. INSPECTOR To rehearsal, gentlemen—to rehearsal. ALL No! INSPECTOR No? Then forward! Soldiers enter with sedan chairs. AGATA Sir, no! Shut in like him?... INSPECTOR There. (the soldiers seize Agata and force her inside)

Agata is carried away in a sedan chair; the Poet offers his arm to Corilla, the Maestro to Luigia, and all exit.

libretto by Dmitrii Murashev